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Fasten Your Seatbelt
Do you fly? Do you listen to the safety spiel? Or do you talk to your traveling companion, read the in-flight magazine or listen to your Walkman?
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture a bit more entertaining in an attempt to get your attention.
On a few recent flights I was entertained by patters much like these.
So, when I received these examples reported as "real", I was inclined to believe them. And, if they aren't real, they should be.
“As we prepare for take off, please return your tray tables and seat backs into their full upright and most uncomfortable position.”
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”
“Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
“We do feature a smoking section on this flight. If you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.”
“Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”
“Well, folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
“Thank you for flying with us. We hope you have enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
“If you enjoyed your flight, my name is Cameron and this is Delta Airlines. If you didn't, my name is Julie and this is American.”
Captain: “We've reached our cruising altitude and should be reaching our destination soon. If there's anything we can do to make your flight more comfortable, aside from "fly faster", please let us know.”
Source: James S. Huggins
Some other funny stuff from various sources:
Tower (after arrival): "Lufthansa 406, you were slightly to the left of the center line."
LH406: "Damn straight, and my FO was slightly to the right!"
Those WN guys and gals are always making jokes. I love the one where the FA announces that there is a man on board who turned 100 today and this is his very first flight. “So when you leave the plane, please wish the captain a happy birthday.”
Back in 1990 I was flying Delta from New Orleans to Daytona Beach via Atlanta. We pushed back from the terminal and began our taxi. Before reaching the runway, we started heading back for the airport and I thought there was some kind of mechanical failure. The captain actually came over the intercom and said, "I thought before we left we might want to fill her up with fuel".
Flying on Southwest from MDW to LUV in September.
The FA came on and said some stuff then said:
"And this time, I guarantee our pilots are both dressed in the cockpit and shall remain that way until they both get home."
I was listening to the west side ground frequency at KDEN a few days ago and heard a good one:
I was actually watching an AN-124 taxiing out for departure from 34L when this happened. There were a few other passenger aircraft following the Antonev from the ramp area. Suddenly, someone keys up on the ground frequency and says "Ladies and gentlemen this is the flight deck once again. If you look out the left side of the aircraft.....". At this point, a voice in the background goes "No, wait!". A few seconds of silence pass and then the mic keys again and, in a semi-perfect Elvis style, the pilot says "Thank you, thank you very much".
Our chief pilot B737 has this habit of describing the oldest aircraft in the fleet in his welcome speech as “This aircraft is a Boeing 737 two hundred ADVANCED! I am sure it was advanced when we bought it new in 1988. But now, 15 years down the line it is more like retarded!!!”
I told Atlanta approach the other day that "I live in the house right next to that big group of trees with the white car in the driveway," as I was flying over it.
November 2003
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